What in the world am I doing here?
What exactly is Justine’s Journal? at this point I don’t even know. I keep trying to construct this in a fashion I’m not use to, and I finding myself less and less motivated.
I wanted to make this a page of inspiration and transformation. I was trying to format it in a chronological order. The more I thought about it the more I realized how much I just can’t do it. I decided to not put any boundaries on this page. I hate being confined in a box, so why should I make my online blog that way.
For the next month I will be able to take a step back and center myself more than I have since I had my apartment. I’m so excited to be able to finally stop with all my excuses and just do what I quit my job and became a nomad for, and thats to learn and change the world.
Don’t get me wrong its not as if I am a total slacker, I have done a titanic amount since December 2017. The issue was, that I kept starting things without finishing them.
by the way, on my journey to JLinPal (me) I’m giving myself random words to use to expand my vocabulary. So please play along with me as I sprinkle them around. Maybe after that I’ll work on my writing skills.
This pass week was pretty hard for me emotionally. I found out my papa’s health was getting extremely worse (He has been in a vegetative state since 2013). The likelihood of him passing on is higher now more than ever. I’ve been visiting Papa more lately, since I was kicked out of the hospital 2 years ago (due to visiting restrictions put on by Papa’s wife, damn can I just call her the evil step mother or is that too petty?!) It was hard, can you blame me? Imagine having to drive in 1.5 hours of traffic just to spend time with my comatose dad, for the nurse to come in and tell me “Hi, I’m so sorry but you have to leave… yes I know your the daughter…. I’m sorry you have to leave now.” I almost got into a car accident 2 times because I was so pissed off and emotional! I couldn’t pay attention to the road, nor did I even care at that point.
My dad is getting closer and closer to Heaven and it’s triggering me.
I also heard that one of my dad’s sister said that “Sammys kids are so dramatic”… uhmmmm yes Bitch, thats my dad! Hellooo!…But then I got reminded of a quote I read somewhere and that was:
People can only see you as deep as you see yourself
I’m not trying to make myself look kawawa (Tagalog for Victim like) but at this point I know where I am on my spiritual journey and I know now I am not coming from a point of anger but of compassion for the haters and mainly finally compassion for myself. With that said finding compassion for myself has lead me back to my voice and my back bone. Hi Homies! The Bull is back, and once you disturbed my peaceful nature its time to feel it.
But I have 3 things to say. You are a hater if
- You are selfish and using my dad to capitalize for personal gain.
- You are believing the 1 sided version of a selfish capitalizer.
- Think that my dad loved his (about to divorce her ass, but didn’t cause he wanted her to divorce him so he pays less in alimony) wife, more than he loved his kids.
Yes yes I sound petty, and I just might be, but I KNOW as well as I know the back of my hand that I’m not coming from a place of anger or evil energy. I’m just tired not being heard.
You see my friends, I don’t wish ill upon the haters. What I wish for them to realize is
a. Realize your evil and what your doing is straight up mean
b. Realize at one point you loved me, I was your niece.
ok so maybe this is really about the people who once saw me as a niece, not the horrible thing that someone made me seem to be.
I just want their souls to see whats really happening here and maybe even an apology, and if the universe can grant me one wish and its to respect my dads dying wish and thats to lay him to rest next to his 2 kids and his parents back home in the Philippines, where he always said he wanted to be. To finally do what is right by the man whose soul is being the most affected.
For the past 4.5 years I haven’t been in good graces with some of Papa’s siblings.
One of them, well since a child he has always been a very bad word, We’ve been calling him Hitler behind his back for so long that its not even funny, it just is.
The thing that gets me with Hitler is that at one point he did so much for this family. Help him and all his siblings really get settled into States after migrating here from the Philippines. I even use to babysit his wonderful amazing kids and he would pay me alot for it. He also help my dad by letting him stay at his place.
So what happened? how did he go from that uncle to the man who practically was the brains behind the “Lets Isolate Sammy’s Kids” operation.
According to some older cousins, I guess he was always an ass hole, I just never saw it cause I was so young.
I should have known, Thanksgiving of 2007 I told him I was going to Cosmetology school and he told me how stupid I was and how I should be like a Nurse like all the other cousins. He mad me cry so bad, my cousin from my moms side was there and she just held me and said to not listen to him. I will never forget that day.
I tried to put myself in his shoes and see how much he has done for the “family” but did he really? cause the trauma that man has put in the bloodline is really bad.
I know his evilness comes from a place of loneliness and anger. It’s not easy being the second son in a filipino family. I get it, and I know he has some major childhood issues that is unresolved, and maybe he even has resentment with my dad and thats why he is doing what he is doing.
I try to justify why he does those things. Because to be honest, I really loved him growing up, my childhood home was only 20 house downs from his, he was the uncle who left me alone in his house with his kids and trusted me. He gave me money all the time for helping him, He gave me 3 of the most amazing and smart cousins in the world, and his ex wife totally made my childhood feel magical. Like it or not, He had a big part in making my childhood really cool, Maybe not directly but even so. But thats why I am so Dramatic, I had this amazing family then BAM, it was like I was lesser than trash.
To the guy who lived down Decosta ave, if you ever read this for whatever reason, I loved you, I am grateful for everything you did for us as a family, and when I found out you were sick in the hospital every part of me wanted me to call out karma, but I couldn’t because regardless of how you’ve treated me as an adult, I would never treat you the way you have made me look, and feel. I may never speak to you again, just know. I don’t hate you. I’m just upset that money has your heart more than your flesh and blood.
Ok y’all Im rambling and I don’t even know where I was going here. But maybe I just needed to release and say it.
Life is beautiful and crazy. I’m not angry how I use to be. But regardless of how spiritual and full of light and love, you have to release and say your peace. Even if its only on a blog that only you may read.